my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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