Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
