This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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