He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I touched a dick in church today
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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