I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How external is "for external use only"?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
