i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she peed on how many people?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
