And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need to calm my uterus...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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