I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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