Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
