Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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