He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
