That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
