I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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