so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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