Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
