This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You can't motorboat a personality
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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