its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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