does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
