Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
