i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
