Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
