Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
