Apparently you make a good broom.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
