she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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