Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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