Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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