Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
