I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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