I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
