I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think my fart just growled at me.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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