I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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