I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
