Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
