it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
