No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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