After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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