I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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