my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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