The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
