this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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