What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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