I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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