Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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