2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
