Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
