Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
