Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
