quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
