I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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