i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
