she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
